Suck It Up Read online

  Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  IVLeague IVLeague.US

  Chapter 1 Commencement

  IVLeague Home

  Chapter 2 Winging It

  IVLeague The Leaguer Way

  Chapter 3 The Call

  IVLeague How to see a Vampire in Three Easy Steps

  Chapter 4 The Interview

  IVLeague The Leaguers’ New Commandments

  Chapter 5 Catching a Ride

  IVLeague Sunscreen or Sun Scream?

  Chapter 6 Second Thoughts

  IVLeague An Apology

  Chapter 7 Penny Dredful

  IVLeague What Do Vampires Really Want?

  Chapter 8 Portia Dredful

  IVLeague Faqs

  Chapter 9 Morning Mystified

  Chapter 10 Spin City

  Chapter 11 Vanishing Act

  Chapter 12 Paper Boats

  Chapter 13 The Williams Bird Bridge

  Chapter 14 The Loner

  IVLeague The Old Commandments

  Chapter 15 Odd Bedfellows

  Chapter 16 A Tree Grows in Manhattan

  Chapter 17 The Fire Knight

  Chapter 18 The Rendezvous

  Chapter 19 Small Talk

  Chapter 20 Passing the Deuce

  IVLeague Vampires vs. Humans

  Chapter 21 The Night Visitor

  Chapter 22 The Swimmer

  Chapter 23 The Flyer

  Chapter 24 Change of Heart

  Chapter 25 Merder Sink

  Chapter 26 Mistakes Happen

  Chapter 27 A Visit from the Boss

  Chapter 28 To Vegas

  Chapter 29 The Music Scene

  Chapter 30 Audience Request

  Chapter 31 Dentis Eruptus

  Chapter 32 Friends & Flamethrowers

  Chapter 33 Going Up

  Chapter 34 Chemical Change

  Chapter 35 Flirtation

  Chapter 36 To the Mountain

  Chapter 37 Reunions

  Chapter 38 Surprise Guests

  Chapter 39 The White–fanged Monster

  Chapter 40 Bloodlust

  Chapter 41 Negotiation

  IVLeague The Legend of the Mother Forest

  Chapter 42 Back into the Selva Obscura

  Chapter 43 Under the Matriarch

  Chapter 44 In the End Is Beginning

  Chapter 45 Yeah, Right—When the Pigeons…

  Glossary

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Copyright

  For my ladies: Cindy, Holly, and Kendall

  * * *

  IVLEAGUE.US

  Website under construction.

  Launch date to be announced.

  * * *

  1

  Commencement

  “In the end is beginning.” Luther Birnam’s deep voice rained down from the high platform, charging the air above a wide semicircle of cadets. “In the beginning is end.” Standing in white graduation gowns, the handsome young men and beautiful young women blazed with pride. “Today, you end your life as a Loner, and begin your new life as a Leaguer!”

  The cadets erupted in cheering applause.

  The last student in the arcing line clapped with just enough enthusiasm not to be noticed. For the ten months Morning McCobb had attended Leaguer Academy, being invisible had been mission number one. It wasn’t easy. It never is when you’re the class freak.

  At sixteen, Morning was younger and skinnier than his cookie-cutter classmates. While their gowns swelled over the bodies of hunks and hotties in their late teens and twenties, Morning’s robe hung from his bony shoulders like it was still on the hanger. Even his hair was different. The male cadets had coifs that never moved from their last mirror check. The women had wavy manes that bounced to perfection. Morning’s hair resembled a patch of wheatgrass small animals had recently bedded down in.

  As the cadets continued to whistle and fist-pump, Morning’s dark eyes scanned the line. They reminded him of dogs straining at their leashes. He wished he had the X-Men superpowers of Banshee. He would strafe the cadets with a sonic blast, stunning them into a hypnotic trance so Mr. Birnam could finish his speech.

  Unfortunately, Birnam tossed them another bone. “Today ends your long night as prisoners of darkness, and begins your day as masters of light!”

  The roar of approval was doubled by the throng of teachers and visitors jamming the grandstand. The sound bounced around the great cavern inside Leaguer Mountain like bottled thunder.

  Adding his token applause, Morning realized the powers of Banshee weren’t enough. He needed the skills of the supervillain Dr. Chronos. Wielding his powers of time-compression, he could fast-forward the commencement to over. It wasn’t that Morning wasn’t excited about graduating. He was. The sooner he got out of Leaguer Mountain, the sooner his classmates would stop rubbing his face in the dismal truth. While they looked like perfectly chiseled Abercrombie models, no amount of pumping iron would ever make Morning buff. No surge of hormones would ever change his face from boyish to manly. He was stuck with peach fuzz and a body that was more stick-of-gum than stud. And there was nothing he could do about it. Ever.

  That’s how it was with vampires. Shape-shifting allowed, aging not.

  Of course, Leaguer vampires didn’t call it “shape-shifting” anymore. In Vampire Vocabulary and Leaguer Lexicon class, Morning had learned that “shape-shifting” belonged to the dark ages of the twentieth century. All vampires who belonged to the IVL—the International Vampire League—had word-shifted to the more scientifically accurate “cell differentiation.” CD, for short.

  The crowd hushed as Birnam raised his hands. “To commemorate your journey from darkness to light, I will now present your diplomas. When you hear your name, demonstrate the mastery of your powers by ascending the platform in one of the Six Forms. After receiving your diploma, you will then descend in the only incarnation you will ever need again: a Leaguer among Leaguers.”

  Morning’s stomach flopped like a landed fish. He dreaded this part of the ceremony. Yes, in CD 101, he had stumbled through the Six Forms of cell differentiation and managed to pass, but it was like being the worst kid in gym. He never knew how he was going to screw up; he only knew it would probably end in humiliation.

  For Morning, this wasn’t the worst part of being a vampire. The worst part was the irony of it all. As a kid, he had dreamed of an accident transforming him into a superhero. Like the spider bite that turned Peter Parker into Spider-Man. Or the lab accident that mutated Jon Osterman into Dr. Manhattan. Unfortunately, Morning’s little snafu involved a vampire bite. And yeah, being a vampire came with a few superpowers, but it wasn’t exactly a skill set you used for saving people.

  Mr. Birnam called the first name. “Dieter Auerbach.” A brawny young man jogged forward. After a few strides, his white gown billowed, and a sleek gray wolf darted from under the falling robe. The wolf trotted toward the tower.

  “Our first graduate has chosen the Fifth Form: the Runner,” Birnam announced.

  The wolf broke into a lope, surged forward, and leaped onto the lowest platform protruding from the spiraling tower. With flawless grace, the animal sprang from platform to platform. When Dieter’s wolf landed at the top next to Birnam, the crowd rewarded him with applause.

  Birnam held up a long, rolled diploma. The wolf spun and CDed back into human form. Dieter was now sheathed in skintight, black underarmor. The glistening material accented every muscle in his flawless body.

  The sight of underarmor gripped Morning in panic. He pulled at his gown, peeked underneath, and sighed with relief. Yes, he’d remembered to put on his black Epidex.

  One of the things Morning was thankful for was that he had become a vampire afte
r Leaguer scientists invented Epidex. Before Epidex, when a vampire CDed there was no way he, or she, could take their clothes with them. When they CDed back to human form they came back butt naked. Of course, there were still some vampires, known as Loners, who practiced all the old ways, and could care less if they ran around naked. Loner vampires streaked, Leaguers didn’t.

  In Leaguer Science, Morning had remembered enough about the history of Epidex to manage a C on his final. Epidex was invented when a vampire scientist asked, “If human skin is an external organ, could an artificial skin be invented that became both an external and internal organ?” After many failures, a Leaguer egghead invented Epidex. Somehow, Epidex combined a carbon-polymer blend with nanotechnology into a living tissue that fed off the electrical current that flowed through all bodies. And somehow, when vampires CDed, the big electrical surge it created transformed the Epidex into an internal organ. It stayed that way until the vampire switched back to human form and the Epidex re-externalized. While Morning knew his less-than stunning summary of Epidex wouldn’t earn him an A, he thought he at least deserved a B because of his clever conclusion: “Epidex is the underwear of underwears.”

  Birnam called the next name. “Rachel Capilarus.” As a raven-haired beauty stepped out from the arc of students, Morning’s chest tightened. Birnam had jumped from an A name to a C name. He wasn’t going in alphabetical order. Anybody could be next. Morning ignored the knot-tying convention in his stomach and focused on Rachel. She broke into a run. As distractions go, you couldn’t do better than Rachel. Of all the gorgeous women at Leaguer Academy, every one of them wished they could CD back to human form, just once, as Rachel Capilarus.

  Rachel raced across the parade grounds toward Leaguer Lake. Its still water held a perfect reflection of Birnam’s tower. She ripped open the top of her gown, sprang off the ground, and missiled out of her robe in a racing dive.

  As Morning’s eyes clung to her contours, he remembered the downside of Epidex. While it saved him from streaking, it denied him the ecstasy of seeing dozens of beauties do the same. It wasn’t a total loss. Seeing them in Epidex was like a vampire version of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

  Rachel’s body slapped the lake’s surface and disappeared. A small wave tracked her position as she torpedoed underwater. The wave swelled, signaling she had CDed into something bigger. A dorsal fin punctured the surface, knifing through the water.

  “Ms. Capilarus has chosen the Third Form,” Birnam proclaimed. “The Swimmer.”

  The fin submerged. The water settled to an ominous calm.

  Even though Morning thought performing a final CD for graduation was about as bogus as football players dancing in the end zone, he found himself holding his breath.

  The water near the base of Birnam’s platform bulged upward, then erupted. A great white shark shot toward the top of the tower. Birnam thrust a diploma over the edge. At the peak of the shark’s leap, its jaws snapped open and snagged the diploma. The second before gravity planted its gaff and pulled the shark down, the creature CDed back into Rachel. She grabbed a pipe protruding from the platform, spun on it like a high bar, dismounted with a flip, and stuck her landing next to Birnam. Her blinding smile held the diploma.

  The grandstand shook with a standing ovation.

  Joining the celebration, Morning envied the mastery of her powers, and pitied the cadet who had to follow her.

  Rachel descended the staircase spiraling down the middle of the tower as Birnam called the next name. “Morning McCobb.”

  * * *

  HOME

  Dear Visitor,

  Welcome to IVLeague.us, the website of the International Vampire League.

  To learn more about us, please visit our open pages. To log in and access restricted areas you must be a graduate of Leaguer Academy and a member of the IVL.

  In the future, we hope to open the site to everyone, including all people of mortality. Our term for those of you who are both handicapped and blessed with aging is “Lifers.” (If you wonder how aging can be a blessing, see immortality.)

  We hope you will explore IVLeague.us with an open mind. We offer it with an open heart.

  Peace and tolerance,

  Luther Birnam

  President of the International Vampire League

  * * *

  2

  Winging It

  Morning tried to step forward and begin visualizing the CD that he and his guidance counselor had decided on: a great horned owl. But hearing his name had hit him like a blow to the solar plexus. Before moving he had to pry open his lungs.

  “Morning McCobb,” Birnam repeated.

  Morning sucked in air, his legs unlocked. “Here!” he shouted as he lunged forward. An explosion of laughter scorched his ears. Breaking into a disjointed run, he laser-focused his mind on the image of a great horned owl.

  He had picked the great horned owl for a couple of reasons. One, if he had to finish his graduation with a lame end-zone dance he was going to CD into something no one else had thought of. And two, one of his favorite masked heroes was Nite Owl II, from the classic graphic novel Watchmen.

  He retreated further inward, shutting out all sound and sensation but the black screen of an empty mind. So far, so good. A second later he felt something ruffle his hair, followed by a blur of feathers—a great horned owl flew past him into the darkness. He had been tagged. Now he had to tag the owl. Changing into another form was like having a flying dream in an underground labyrinth. If you could catch the creature you set free in the wormholes of your mind, you could absorb the creature’s cell-set and transform into it.

  Going vampire came with its share of surprises, but nothing had surprised Morning more than how difficult CDing really was. All the superheroes in comic books and movies made physical transformation look as easy as lowering the top on a convertible—hit an internal button and presto-chango, your body turned into Wolverine or the Hulkling. But CD 101 had taught him how much more complicated cell differentiation was, not to mention how many things could go wrong. If you performed the sequence out of order, or visualized the wrong target and tagged it, the mutation malfunctions were endless.

  If you really screwed up, it could be your last CD ever. It wasn’t like being Beast Boy from DC Comics. When Beast Boy shape-shifted into an animal, he kept all his mental faculties and could even speak. For vampires, CDing was much scarier. After you CDed, all you retained was a shadow-conscious. And if your shadow-conscious forgot you were anything but the creature you changed into, say, a cricket, you went into CD blackout. There was no coming back from CD blackout. Once a cricket, always a cricket.

  Considering the dangers of CDing, Morning was glad this was his last one. After graduation, Leaguers weren’t allowed to CD. It was all part of the Leaguer mission to blend seamlessly, harmlessly, and secretly into Lifer society.

  Morning sped through the blackness of his mind-labyrinth after the owl. He slalomed around corners, shot up tunnels, and dove down shafts as he drew closer to his prey. Swooping into another tunnel, he was startled by the sensation of feet springing against the ground. Wet ground. Intrusive sensations weren’t good.

  He struggled to ignore the feeling of pounding feet and focus on the bird’s chuffing wings. It only got worse. The sound of wings turned into splashing slaps. The owl disappeared around a corner with a laughing cry. Then the blackness shattered and the graduation ceremony flooded in.

  A cold sensation pulled his eyes down. He was standing knee-deep in Leaguer Lake. His white robe floated on the water like the wings of a large moth.

  “Mr. McCobb,” Birnam sounded from above, “we don’t have all day.”

  Tittering laughter wheeled around him. Morning squeezed his eyes shut and plummeted back into the labyrinth where his prey had escaped. He was startled by a ticklish brush against his ear. Certain it was the great horned owl mocking him with another touch, he shot out a hand to tag it. He saw a puff of dust, the flutter of whitish wings, and r
ealized, too late, what he had touched.

  His white robe settled on the water like a collapsing volcano. In the plume of air erupting from the center, a creature fluttered up.

  The crowd gasped.

  Morning had accomplished one of his goals. He had CDed into something no vampire had ever thought of.

  A great white moth.

  He pounded at the air as he took the long flight to the top of the tower. Just as he’d feared: another humiliating day in gym. But it could have been worse. The searing embarrassment that made every hair on his body feel like a bee’s stinger meant he had retained his shadow-conscious. He would live to see another form. That is, if Birnam didn’t squash him.

  As the fluttering moth drew closer, Birnam looked down with a curious smile. “Morning has chosen to impress us by displaying two Forms. He has accomplished the Sixth Form: the Flyer.”

  Reaching the top of the platform, Morning saw a white-robed arm reach out. It seemed more inviting than threatening. He welcomed the perch. He would need a moment to gather his strength and focus on his return to human form.

  Birnam watched the large moth settle on his robe and almost disappear against the mottled pattern of fold and shadow. “He has also taken the Second Form: the Hider.”

  The explosion of applause rattled Morning’s feathery antennae. It also gave him the surge of energy he needed. He lifted off Birnam’s arm, taking flight. He flooded his shadow-conscious with the image of a mirror holding his human reflection. Then he forced a vision of his arm reaching forward. It touched his reflection.

  In a puff of wing dust, Morning CDed back to himself. As the applause faded, he found Mr. Birnam’s intense eyes pinning him to the spot. He instantly thought something else had gone wrong. Had his Epidex failed to re-externalize? He stole a glance down. No, he was sheathed in black. Returning to Birnam’s eyes, which now seemed deep in thought, Morning fought the urge to grab his diploma and sprint down the stairs.